Wednesday, April 26, 2006

major peer review

Shannon –

I really liked your paper. I think you took the two papers that you have previously written and connected them quite nicely. The introduction paragraph was very strong. The beginning was captivating in how you described literature as a sort of enemy and then went on to show how you were, in a way, going to battle it throughout the rest of your paper. I think that the purpose for your writing was to show that the options for printing a book hard copy were not very good options and that you wanted to explore a way that would be better for yourself, through the internet. I am a little confused at what you are wanting to put as your second paragraph because I think the first paragraph transitions to the third quite well, you can take out that little second one I think. You seem to be informative on the publishing process yet are also trying to persuade the reader that it is our constitutional right to free speech so keeping some books hidden should not be allow and we shouldn’t stand for it. Writing for “The Internet Writing Journal” I feel is a good choice because these readers would probably already have some kind of thoughts on the subject matter and your piece would probably have an affect on them and maybe cause some sort of change within the community if more people that read your article felt the same way. I think that you show your credibility in your paper, however, one part talks about how you cannot get a job at a magazine or a newspaper because you only have a high school education. This makes it seem that you are currently only holding this high school education. I know that you say you are a college student at the end of the first paragraph but you may want to reiterate the fact so you make your readers see that you are an English major and a credible source. Also, you write sometimes as though you are writing to your best friend or a group of people that need do not need to be addressed with any formality. Remember that you are trying to persuade people to do something so you need to write to them in a manner that makes them respect what you have to say. For example, words like crappy and thing make you sound as though you don’t have any better words to say and you definitely do. I knew what your article was about after reading the first paragraph, your organization was written out well and your transitions worked to make the paper flow nicely. I don’t think you realized that you had made such nice transitions. Some of your sentence structure needs to be change because it becomes confusing for the reader, but I marked where I found this to be a problem and tried to change a few to ways I could understand but you don’t have to change them, I just thought I would give you my opinion. Some of your word choice I feel is redundant, after you type your paper go up to the find button, control f, and type in a few words like primitive for instance and see how many times you used it because that was one I remember reading a few times and not really understanding it. Overall I thought you did a very nice job on the paper, one of your strongest so far in my opinion.

Good luck with the revisions!
Brenna Wade

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